“The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.”

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

I drink therefore I am.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

Healthy feet can feel the very heart of Mother Earth.

Jigging veins of rhyming mother wits.

God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.

A mother who is not everything for her children: a friend, a teacher, a confidant, a source of joy and founded pride, inducement and soothing, reconciliator, judge and forgiver, that mother obviously chose the wrong job.

For my confirmation, I didn’t get a watch and my first pair of long pants, like most Lutheran boys. I got a telescope. My mother thought it would make the best gift.

My mother, was perfectly horrified when I began shooting and tried to keep me in school, but I would run away and go quail shooting in the woods or trim my dresses with wreaths of wildflowers.

Mothers can forgive anything! Tell me all, and be sure that I will never let you go, though the whole world should turn from you.

The wind sounded of Mother Earth’s forsaken and abandoned cries.