“I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.”

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

At the age when Bengali youth almost inevitably writes poetry, I was listening to European classical music.

Are you green and growing or ripe and rotting?

A thousand years hence, every German will speak with awe of Stalingrad and remember that it was there that Germany put the seal on her victory.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

I was fifteen years old when I understood how it is that things break down: people can’t imagine someone else’s point of view.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Even if you live forty or fifty years in this world, and then die, you cannot take all your goods with you.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.