I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

W. C. Fields

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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

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