If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
W. C. FIELDSIt ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS