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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W. C. Fields

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS

Death Hope Life Lost
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Herself Love Myself
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Help People Sex Ugly
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS

Care Husband Wife
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

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Popular Authors

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