“Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.”

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I just like to shake things up, and your hair is one way to do it.

You’re as beautiful as the moon in the wilderness of the moon.

Because it does feel important to say it really doesn’t matter what shape you are.

I have always liked the contrast between being blonde and having dark features.

He shall appear suddenly and blissfully to all that love Him.

I’m taking my rats. Those are my friends for the tour. Thelma and Louise. They’re so cute.

People keep asking me if I am having more fun, being blonde, but I always have fun! Whether I’m blonde, redhead, or brunette! I always have fun.

Things are never as bad or as good as they seem.