I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDSEverybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS