“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Oh darling, if the universe would need the love of us careless humans to keep its restless heart alive the sky would be full of dead stars.

Focus on humanity. It keeps you alive.

Have I been buried alive by chronic pain? I can taste the dirt as they put me in the earth, thick on my lips like the honey that drips down my lips.

Hate all you want that doesn’t change the fact I’m one of the hardest young niggas alive night now.

I won’t be like Snow White and wait around for some guy. Prince charming’s kiss isn’t the only thing that makes me feel alive.

Hope is the only thing that keeps us alive. Without hope there can be no you or I.

Sometimes life breaks us and buries us alive, but that is how we find our purpose and rise bloom in love.

In the morning it was morning and I was still alive.