“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.

Everyone is ready to speak ill of a stranger.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

I have great judgment. I have good judgment. I know what’s going on.

No one should judge what I’ve done with my life, not unless they’ve been in my shoes every horrible day and every sleepless night.

Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgement to others with modesty.

Do not judge, do not condemn; forgive. And you will be merciful like the Father.

For books continue each other, in spite of our habit of judging them separately.