“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

In football you always get judged on your last game. Whoever you are, or how amazing you are, it’s the last game that everyone has seen.

I can only speak for myself, and hope people hear my words and see me on television speaking for myself. And, hopefully, they’ll be able to make their own judgment.

The best way to judge a life is to ask yourself, “Did I make the best use of the time I had?

Showed good business judgment, knowing that these continued lawsuits would be the untimely death of the gun industry.

Don’t judge me. You wanna judge me, put on a black gown and get a gavel. Get in line with the rest of them that’s about to judge me. I got court dates every other month. It’s me against the world – that’s how I feel.

Get your enemy to read your works in order to mend them, for your friend is so much your second self that he will judge too like you.

I’m not going to make a judgment on plastic surgery because I don’t have to yet. I mean, I’d like to think I’ll feel great about myself and age gracefully, but then I think, Well, what if I do want a little bit of something? I’m open to being open.

You can hardly imagine how I am struggling to exert my poetical ideas just now for the discovery of analogies and remote figures respecting the earth, sun, and all sorts of things — for I think that is the true way (corrected by judgment) to work out a discovery.