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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
W. C. FIELDS

Gift Ignorance Peace Prayer Wisdom
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Force Myself
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
W. C. FIELDS

Easy Time Yourself
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

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