Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
W. C. FIELDSAnyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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