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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS

Crazy Doubt Existence Woman
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Danger Man Place World
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS

Heart Live Worry Yourself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Home
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS

Face Man Time
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

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