“I like children. If they’re properly cooked.”

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me.

For these are all our children, we will all profit by or pay for what they become.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.

There is truth in wine and children.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

God is a mean-spirited, pugnacious bully bent on revenge against His children for failing to live up to his impossible standards.