I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDSFew things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS