“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

I’ll be a fool anywhere but never in love, I promise me that.

Astrology is a disease, not a science. It is a tree under the shadow of which all sorts of superstitions thrive. Only fools and charlatans lend value to it.

Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, ‘Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency’.

Not knowing what he sees, he adores the sight; That false face fools and fuels his delight.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

Impossible is the word found only in a fool’s dictionary. Wise people create opportunities for themselves and make everything possible