“Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.”

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

It’s up to to you to perfect that gift that you’ve been given. Put your spirit into that song. Focus on the words that you are singing. Get into the experience that you are singing about and sing your heart out.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Giving is the greatest gift.

Every human being was born with an inherent gift, and that gift is their gift to humanity; they are supposed to serve humanity in the area of their gifting.

The world is awaiting your gift – all you have to do is show up with the right intention!

If you have kids who are struggling with dyslexia, the greatest gift you can give them is the sense that nothing is unattainable. With dyslexia comes a very great gift, which is the way that your mind can think creatively.

No matter how many people celebrate your gifts, don’t ever think that you are more important to them than your gift is to them. This is why many people fail: They fail because they think that people came to follow them.

No one came to earth empty; everybody came with a contribution to make to their generation. Most of them never find that gift and even more die never releasing it.