“I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.”

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

How is it possible to expect that mankind will take advice when they will not so much as take warning.

Not to follow the advice of our confessor is pride and a want of faith.

The secret is to moisturize the face. I’ve been doing that since I was 17 years old. (on looking young)

If a lump of soot falls into the soup and you cannot conveniently get it out, stir it well in and it will give the soup a French taste.

Person who chases two rabbits catches neither.

My mama always told me never put off till tomorrow people you can kill today.

For every snake, there is a ladder; for every ladder, a snake.

For there is nothing lost, that may be found, if sought.