black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. FIELDS

Attitude Deep Yourself
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS

Need Quit Stupidity Time
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
W. C. FIELDS

Business Laugh Oneself People Purpose Serious
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Vote
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS

Alive Funny Old World
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDS

Togetherness Travel

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

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Popular Authors

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