Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDSA woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS