“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

Her body is a undiscovered country and she is afraid that someone will colonize it and expect her to thank them for the wreckage.

Thank you for believing in me the way I used to.

This year I will try to be thankful for me.

I send thank you notes, not emails, even if I’m staying at a friend’s house or something. I’m very old school.

So, I am thanking you today, because of you, I am me.

Pressure bursts pipes. I thank God for giving me peace of mind to overcome pressure. The difference between winning and losing is when pressure hits.

And as you left my heart cried out then suddenly I was thankful that the cries of the heart can only be felt and not heard.

Mom, thanks for letting me drop out of high school. Haha!