Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDSChristmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS -
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS -
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDS