“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”

Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

You can’t cheat an honest man.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I’m a funny person, but I take my music seriously.

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly.

Do not tell jokes that ain’t funny. 

Life is good when you have a good sandwich.

Common sense ain’t common.

People might look at you a bit funny, but it’s okay. Artists are allowed to be a bit different.

The funny thing about love is that it must continually grow or it will diminish.

Always drink upstream from the herd.