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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

W. C. Fields

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Instagram Captions Myself One Liner
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
W. C. FIELDS

Face Man Time
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
W. C. FIELDS

Argument Attitude Myself
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
W. C. FIELDS

Excellence Friendship Future Present Reason Remember
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Live Myself
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
W. C. FIELDS

Believe Empty Food Myself Weird
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.

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