“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

The first class opposition that appears in history coincides with the development of the antagonism between man and woman in monogamous marriage, and the first class oppression coincides with that of the female sex by the male.

I would date a model, but I would rather marry a fan or a normal person.

My dad told me when I was very young, that I should not get married before 30. His only advice to me was to live my life.

From my experience, not one in twenty marries the first love; we build statues of snow and weep to see them melt.

I am against marriage, and I don’t give a fig for society.

Among the reasons marriages fail, sex ranks no higher than fourth, behind money, having only one bathroom, and an inability to communicate, reasons one, two and three.

It’s a rare man who can stand being around an intelligent woman, let alone married to her.

I’m an American for marriage equality. I believe that love comes in all different shapes, sizes, and colors. So whether you’re LGBT or straight, your love is valid, beautiful, and an incredible gift.