It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDSI never eat before breakfast.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS