“I never eat before breakfast.”

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

I cannot remember the books I’ve read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me.

The only people I truly envy are those who can play a musical instrument and those who can eat anything they want without gaining weight.

Eating and reading are two pleasures that combine admirably.

Being an entrepreneur is like eating glass and staring into the abyss of death.

In my world, everyone’s a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!

Animals are my friends and I don’t eat my friends.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you’ll have to eat them, you can swallow it well.

Fools make feasts and wise men eat them.