I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDSI never eat before breakfast.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS