Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDSAlcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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I drink therefore I am.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. FIELDS