“Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.”

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Eating meat and drinking liquor are demonic vices. Those indulging in drink lose all sense of propriety, have no compassion or love and become demons.

They legalized alcohol, they legalized tobacco. What is it gonna hurt to legalize this medicinal, medical marijuana that’s used for purposes of cataracts?

If my cup won’t hold but a pint and yourn holds a quart, wouldn’t ye be mean not to let me have my little half-measure full?

Vice is nice, but liquor is quicker.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

There isn’t enough wine or vodka or tequila in this world to make me forget you.

I hate tequila but I’ll drink it straight from the bottle if it means forgetting you.

Drink! for you know not when you came, nor why; Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where.