“Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.”

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I hunted all through the four Gospels trying to find one of Christ’s funeral sermons, but I couldn’t find any. I found He broke up every funeral He ever attended! Death couldn’t exist where He was.

Any business today that embraces the status quo as an operating principle is going to be on a death march.

Ah, lives there a man with soul so dead, who never to himself hath said As he hunched and rolled in his comfortable bed: To hell with the rent . . . I’ll drink instead!

The moment we take our last breath on earth, we take our first in heaven.

As for me, my charter is Jesus Christ, the inviolable charter is His cross and His death and resurrection, and faith through Him.

HATE SIN! Instead of loving it, cleaving to it, excusing it, playing with it, we ought to hate it with a deadly hatred.

If I can wake up everyday before I die and know that I don’t have to serve anyone food or drinks, I will be happy!

All the blood is drained out of democracy – it dies – when only half the population votes.