“Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.”

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

It is far better to render beings in your car competent than to protect them.

If you’re twenty-two, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel – as far and as widely as possible. Sleep on floors if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them – wherever you go.

He doesn’t yearn for a better, different life than the one he has – because he knows he’s got a home in this one.

I have heard a lot about love but I’m still learning to spell it, a bit by bit every day by getting, to know you better. -The Loving.

Learning to save some love for yourself has to start somewhere. What better time than now?

Don’t surround yourself with people who run away from growth. Don’t limit yourself knowing you can evolve, do better and be better. Because you deserve better.

Just improve yourself; that is the only thing you can do to better the world.

I am a makeup artist; I make up the world to look better to me.