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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
W. C. FIELDS

Happiness Instagram Captions Money Place
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS

Break One Liner
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Start
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Myself See
You can’t cheat an honest man.
W. C. FIELDS

Honesty Man Yourself
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. FIELDS

Instagram Captions Myself One Liner
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Pain Woman
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny Man Myself
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Hands Myself See
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
W. C. FIELDS

Destroy Evidence Success Yourself
I must have a drink of breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Morning Myself

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

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