You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDSI have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS