I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDSStart every day off with a smile and get it over with.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I drink therefore I am.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS