When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
W. C. FIELDSI drink therefore I am.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS