“If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.”

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

My first crush was this kid in kindergarten who told me he had tigers in his attic as well.

A lot of my dreams have to do with animals I think because I’m such a huge animal lover. I have so many pets. I always have crazy dreams where I’m like riding an elephant through the jungle or hanging out with a bunch of monkeys.

Man is an animal which, alone among the animals, refuses to be satisfied by the fulfillment of animal desires.

As a camel kneels before his master to have him remove his burden at the end of the day, so kneel each night and let the Master take your burden.

Defend the Bible? I’d sooner defend a lion. You don’t defend the Bible; you open its cage and let it roar.

You never know how a horse will pull until you hook him to a heavy load.

A time will come when instead of shepherds feeding the sheep, the church will have clowns entertaining the goats.

Having a teenage daughter is like riding a young horse over an unknown steeplechase course. You don’t know when to pull up the reins, when to let the horse have its head – or what.