I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSReality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS