100+ George Carlin Quotes & Sayings

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!
GEORGE CARLIN

Dog Funny Inspirational Job Lying
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
GEORGE CARLIN

Failure Humour Hustle Inspirational Success Try
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
GEORGE CARLIN

Change Deep Discover Life Nature One Liner
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
GEORGE CARLIN

Committment Friendship Maintain Murder People Reason Victim
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
GEORGE CARLIN

Funny Humour Idiot Maniac
I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
GEORGE CARLIN

Comedy Humour Liberty Thinking
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
GEORGE CARLIN

Fight One Liner Peace Screw Sex Virgin
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.
GEORGE CARLIN

Deep Inspirational Man Myself Shoes Sorry
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
GEORGE CARLIN

Electricity Light One Liner Organise
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
GEORGE CARLIN

Baby Conservation Death Live Soldier Teaching
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
GEORGE CARLIN

Funny Homeless Humour Naked Shell
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
GEORGE CARLIN

Bull Shit Life School Simplicity Teaching
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
GEORGE CARLIN

Average Direction Each Other Expectation Life Opposite
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
GEORGE CARLIN

Friendship Humour Photographer Photography Picture Thief
I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
GEORGE CARLIN

Bagpipe Crack Hook Humour People Play
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN

Disappointment Ideal One Liner Person
Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
GEORGE CARLIN

Religion Shoes Wear
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
GEORGE CARLIN

Destroy Drugs Mind One Liner Religion Thinking
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
GEORGE CARLIN

Disappointment Sad Scratch

George Carlin Quotes

Famous American comedians