“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”

Work to make a living; serve to make a life.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don’t let it get the best of you.

We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

The best way out of a difficulty is through it.

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.

Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.

Bridal is always about who you are as a person and as a woman and as a lover and as a mate. People always ask me how a woman can pick just one dress. And the funny thing is they always know.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there’d be a shortage of sand.

I’ve had an experience through music that has touched almost every part of me. It educated me in ways that I didn’t get educated in school. So we try to lay on a bit of that, through being funny, being serious, playing hard.

[On being shown an apartment by a real estate agent:] Oh, dear, that’s much too big. All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a few friends.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.