“If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.”

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans.

We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.

Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well.

Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.

It is more necessary for the soul to be cured than the body; for it is better to die than to live badly.

If you’re a serious actor, it’s when you know you’re going to die tomorrow that you really start to feel it.

Life is tough, then you die.

Let me not then die ingloriously and without a struggle, but let me first do some great thing that shall be told among men hereafter.

Depression is a side effect of dying.