“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans.

We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.