Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
GROUCHO MARXLearn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
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Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them, well I have others.
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She’s so in love with me, she doesn’t know anything. That’s why she’s in love with me.
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I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you’ve triumphed.
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
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Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
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I’ve got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
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No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
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If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
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A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
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Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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Any place I hang my head is home.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Once I put it down I couldn’t pick it back up.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
GROUCHO MARX