Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER