I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






