My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER