I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER






