I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER