All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER