Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






