You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER