Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER