You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER