You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER






