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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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self-pity is better than none.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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