A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER