I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER