The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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