All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER