The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLER