I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER