A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER






