When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER