You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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