I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER






