My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER