Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER