We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLEROld age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER