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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

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Humour Judge Jury Marriage One Liner

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The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
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I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
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Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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I never go to movies where the hero’s tits are bigger than the heroine’s.
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A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
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Whatever it is, I’m against it.
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Against Attitude
Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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