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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

George Carlin

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  There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

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• 

  Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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• 

  I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.

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• 

  If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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• 

  By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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• 

  The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

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• 

  If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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• 

  Religion is just mind control.

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  One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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• 

  Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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• 

  Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.

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• 

  If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

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• 

  Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.

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• 

  I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

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• 

  Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

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• 

  There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

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