Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
GEORGE CARLINOne good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.
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Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
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The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
GEORGE CARLIN