“The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans.

We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.

There is nothing more despicable than an old man who has no other proof than his age to offer of his having lived long in the world.

There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It’s why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.

Somewhere along the way I started saying Happy Birthday to everyone else.

Every year I make a plan. I do it. It will be done.

You are never too old to become younger!

Birthday meant to be another year to be Fabulous.

Congratulations! Today is your day!

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.