There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
GEORGE CARLINOne good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
More George Carlin Quotes
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.
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Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other’s picture.
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Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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It’s important in life if you don’t give a shit. It can help you a lot.
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
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The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
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The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot.
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Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.
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I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
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Always do whatever’s next.
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The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
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Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
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Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.
GEORGE CARLIN