I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
GEORGE CARLINOne good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
More George Carlin Quotes
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
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If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
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There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
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If we could only find out who’s in charge, we could kill him.
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Everyone smiles in the same language.
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
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We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
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The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.
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I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
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Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.
GEORGE CARLIN