“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‘How is the president?’

You must judge a man’s greatness by how much he will be missed.

When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.

It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.

It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.

The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

The last 29 days of the month are the toughest!

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

Never give a sword to a man who can’t dance.

There is truth in wine and children.

The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.