“An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.”

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Common sense ain’t common.

Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.

Communism is like prohibition, it is a good idea, but it won’t work.

The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Do the best you can, and don’t take life too serious.

You can’t say civilization don’t advance, in every war they kill you in a new way.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.