“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”

Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Common sense ain’t common.

Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.

Communism is like prohibition, it is a good idea, but it won’t work.

The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Do the best you can, and don’t take life too serious.

If I want to go to a party with a few male friends, it doesn’t mean I’m gay.

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.

The day you stop racing, is the day you win the race.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

I was an idiot when I was a kid.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

It never hurts to have friends around, so that’s why you’d form a crew.

Room service? Send up a larger room.