“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.”

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.

If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‘How is the president?’

You must judge a man’s greatness by how much he will be missed.

When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A vision, without a plan, is just a hallucination.

It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.

It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.

The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

I grew up in a house that liked to be funny. Everybody liked to be funny. My family’s been…we’ve been enjoying each other’s comedy for years.

Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

The only stupid thing about words is the spelling of them.

My fans are so funny, they make me laugh so much. I’ve got some really, really, funny, clever fans.

I actually get a lot of messages with people saying, ‘What’s a Marvin Gaye?’ and, I mean… Oh, wow. I must be getting old, because someone who was born in 2004 just asked me what a Marvin Gaye was.

Lord Help the Mister that comes between Me and My Sister.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?