“Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.”

It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so.

It is awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.

The farmer has to be an optimist or he wouldn’t still be a farmer.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

The man who never makes a mistake must get tired of doing nothing.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Say yes to everything. ‘You want me to buy you some food?’ Yes. ‘You want me to buy you a car?’ Yes.

To every door that closed on me: I am coming back to buy the building.

Great art is horseshit, buy tacos.

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

They talked us into buying candy bars and throwing the candy away and eating the wrapper.

Republicans didn’t care about the deficit when it came to tax breaks for billionaires. We cannot buy into their rhetoric about the deficit now.

People in general are scared to death of the war and all the exhibition have been a failure, because the rich – don’t want to buy anything.

You can’t buy happiness.