“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Pardon me I’ve got nothing to say.

Don’t confuse me with those who cling to hope.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both fucked.

The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.