“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Always do whatever’s next.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.